"Desire is not just a hormone-driven biological imperative, it is a carrier of symbolic meaning."
We do not live
through our entire
self at each
instance of our
in an absolute space
of our bodies
We are sometimes
We are not only
We are also
in the outside
a soundtrack to myself. to feel one way or another about life. a coded soul status. feeling like I'm in the wrong time line, these things keep me alive.
THIS ONE has my favorite Malcom insult: "longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song!"
"Death is another bar which lies several steps below the normal world. I'm at its threshold, but not yet in it. Its doorway is doorless."
Kathy Acker, Pussy, King of the Pirates
I wish I was in NYC with my friends More than anything in the world. To be So certain that you are not where you are supposed to be is very taxing on my mind, memory and existential existence.
I'm so HYPED for this game.
Beauty doesn't have nothing to do with sex. Beauty has to do with beauty and sex has to do with sex.
Listen: I am ideally happy. My happiness is a kind of challenge. As I wander along the streets and the squares and the paths by the canal, absently sensing the lips of dampness through my worn soles, I carry proudly my ineffable happiness. The centuries will roll by, and schoolboys will yawn over the history of our upheavals; everything will pass, but my happiness , dear, my happiness will remain,in the moist reflection of a street lamp, in the cautious bend of stone steps that descend into the canal’s black waters, in the smiles of a dancing couple, in everything with which God so generously surrounds human loneliness.
― Vladimir Nabokov, Selected Letters
Nabokov, The Gift / Konstantin Samarin
My Fall Video Game Want Lists
A List of Virgo Love Traits
•Can be possessive, but it’s only because they are scared to lose their loved one
•Very traditional and normally dislikes any frivolous relationships
•Likes security and consistency in a relationship
•Not very good in showing their feelings
•Their love is strong
I've had a terrible and stressful day. I have to move in a few days and I detest moving. This year's excursion back to Austin was a catastrophic failure. I am ruined. Thank Buddha for my Mistress. She called me and I was able to loose myself in our intellectual conversation of secret origins, missing histories and youthful romances. It added some levity to my agitated state. We are both age-gap inclined so I made her laugh by saying that my future wife is probably 15 at the moment and doing homework, she'll find me in a few years when she's 18. I was trying to emulate the same age difference between my mistress and her very lucky future husband. Making her laugh is the best. Even though all you read is my depressive side here, I think she would attest to how funny I am on the phone. Today I realized just how much truth there is to my principal personal maxim: "I like Smart Girls in Short Skirts", being that two of my closest girlfriends are a doctor in training and a lawyer. I should have been a professor. Teaching and introducing "Lolita" to a new class every semester. Annotating "The Dark Knight Returns" for fun as an extra credit project (I tried to do this in High School and I convinced my English teacher into reading the book and appreciating it). Making fun of Dave Eggers and a long list of elitist literary twats. Elevating the prose issue of Detective Comics by Grant Morrison into the curriculum. Obviously Batman would be my hero with a 1000 faces of choice for discussion. Visiting all the places in Canada portrait in Beautiful Loosers for summer classes on the one book that blew my mind open when I was 18. I would be a peculiar professor no? Affairs with students: optional. This is making me want to watch "Wonder Boys". It's the middle of the night and the silence dictates I put the kind of movie that feels like a safety blanket. Something to make me feel better. "Lost In Translation" it is.
"I wish you could live in my brain for a week. It is washed with the most violent waves of emotion. Do we then know nobody?—only our own version of them, which, as likely as not, are emanations from ourselves.'
I feel extremely lonely and sad. I’m used to being by myself most of the time and having my own space in time.
A strong marriage bond connects Jack Gladney and his current wife Babette in Don DeLillo’s White Noise. Gladney muses: “Sometimes I think our love is inexperienced. The question of dying becomes a wise reminder. It cures us of our innocence of the future. Simple things are doomed, or is that a superstition?” He continues: “Babette and I tell each other everything… turned our lives for each other’s thoughtful regard, turned them in the moonlight in our pale hands, spoken deep into the night… In these night recitations we create a space between things as we felt them at the time and as we speak them now.” DeLillo’s handwritten notes for the novel are featured in the exhibition.
In the Galleries: “Love and Relationships”
One perk of living in Austin that I have not taken advantage of is going to The University of Texas at Austin's Harry Ransom Humanities Research Center to check out the Archive of Don DeLillo. Back when I was really interested in being a Novelist, I got really pissed off at his book "Underworld" because every other page had a paragraph so amazing that it made me give up writing. I can't think of the root cause of why I gave up writing. I think I had an ex that fucked all the talent out of me. She was the PJ Harvey to my Nick Cave. Except Nick at least got "The Boatman's Call" out of that relationship.
[ Prelude to a Deluge of Posts: Part 1 ]
And I'm working at trying to find a kind of language
where I won't be so easily modulated by expectation.
I've druged myself with what I fondly call chemical truth serum. I need relief. My fastidious life has taken such a turn that I just want to dig a hole in the ground and jump inside and cry. Alas, my medicine does not let me cry at all. Any and all "sad"-like feelings get turned into "boredom". Lately I've been thinking long and hard as to why I saved myself. Why did I bring myself back from the brink of extinction? What are all these tribulations leading to exactly? I have to do whatever it takes to avoid self examination.
In an interesting turn of events, the last season of SKINS is going to feature characters from the first two generations. Both of my faves are coming back: Effy and Cassie. Although this wiki entry on Cassie's storyline pisses me off. I prefered they had left her story open ended instead of this:
Hannah Murray returns as Cassie Ainsworth, and in the years since her last appearance, she has moved back from New York to London, and seemingly never realized Sid had went to New York looking for her