The absence of sleep leads to thinking about the absence of love. My body aches loud enough to make me forget how lonely it is here. All I hear is the line "my brain says I'm receiving pain" from "My Iron Lung". I need distractions.
I can't think of a song that better captures my feelings lately. I wish it was my final fit but I presume there will be many ahead.
I hope there's some relief writing
this you: otherwise, none. I've never felt such pain.
Day after day pain after pain how do
I count these days? It's pain to count.
Pain to have a mind.
Worst: at the moment when sleep's ease should come,
( no coming, no you. ) and thoughts are loosened,
but i don't want these thoughts.
I phone: I don't like life.
So stopping the mind up, no
life no utterance, jail within jail within
jail, what can days dates
time matter? Only this ease
of verbally sobbing out ugliness.
Kathy Acker, Time is made by humans
I have been alone for a very long time. I'm locked up in a room and I can't get out. Because I've been locked up in this room so long whatever desires are arising in me are rampaging around everywhere as wild and fierce and monstrous as gigantic starving jungle beasts. I don't know how to talk to people, I especially have difficulty talking to you; and I'm ashamed and scared 'cause I want you so badly, Dimwit.
Blood and Guts in High School
My true place in the world, it turned out was somewhere beyond myself, and if that place was inside me, it was also unlocatable. This was the tiny hole between self and not-self, and for the first time in my life I saw this nowhere as the exact center of the world.
The Locked Room
If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.
I've wondered what the visual to this looked like since 1993 and randomly found it today.
" When I speak of depression," he says carefully, "I speak of a clinical depression that is the background of your entire life, a background of anguish and anxiety, a sense that nothing goes well, that pleasure is unavailable and all your strategies collapse..."
I lean from my window sill in this old hotel I chose,
yes one hand on my suicide, one hand on the rose.
I know you’ve heard it’s over now
So if you're down on your luck, and you can't harmonize,
Find a girl with far-away eyes.
And if you're downright disgusted , and life ain't worth a dang,
Get a girl with far-away eyes.
You are outside life, you are above life, you have miseries which the ordinary man does not know, you exceed the normal level, and it is for this that men refuse to forgive you, you poison their peace of mind, you undermine their stability. You have irrepressible pains whose essence is to be inadaptable to any known state, indescribable in words. You have repeated and shifting pains, incurable pains, pains beyond imagining, pains which are neither of the body nor of the soul, but which partake of both. And I share your suffering, and I ask you: who dares to ration our relief? We are not going to kill ourselves just yet. In the meantime, leave us the hell alone.
[ Starsailor: It Hurts Too Much ]
My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke that caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I spent alone.
Hendrix by Moebius
[ U2: MERCY ]
"I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?"
// Herbie Hancock + Pink + John Legend: Don't Give Up
+ Leonard Cohen: First We Take Manhattan (Alternate Version)Where are you Anne Marie F. , I miss you.....
+ Foo Fighters - Best of You
Having suffered from depression during much of his life (although less so with the onset of old age), Cohen has written much (especially in his early work) about depression and suicide. The wife of the protagonist of Beautiful Losers commits a gory suicide; "Seems So Long Ago, Nancy" is about a suicide; the darkly comic "One of Us Cannot Be Wrong" mentions suicide; "Dress Rehearsal Rag" is about a last-minute decision not to commit suicide; a general atmosphere of depression pervades such songs as "Please Don't Pass Me By" and "Tonight Will Be Fine".
Who2 Biography:Leonard Cohen, Singer / Poet / Songwriter
+ LC "I was coming off amphetamine" : "One Of Us Cannot Be Wrong" (from "Live At The Isle of Wight 1970")
"I showed my heart to the doctor: he said I just have to quit"