Letters Written While Dying Of Loneliness #1 [ Crazy ]


I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
Leonard Cohen

Dear xxxxx,

You asked me how I was doing. I'm quite certain I am tired of that question. It feels like an insult. I don't know where I'm going or how to get there in a hurry. Feeling exiled from the life I used to have.

You asked me to annotate my playlist...

And when you're out there, without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
/// Ray Lamontagne [ Crazy ]

This reminds me of my hermit ways. I'm over going out. Nothing out there interest me.  A reminder that sometimes I feel incongruent towards her.

I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
/// U2 [I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight.live]

I'm at the absolute bioling point in regards to every single aspect of my life. Something has to happen, but no one can hear me.

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
///Counting Crows [Crazy For You]

Just thinking of her.

For thinking that my love could hold you
///The Kills [Crazy]

Afraid to loose her.


 i am the designer 

Did you ever go clear?


+ Jimi Hendrix-Stone Free live at Royal Albert Hall

Dear xxxx,
I know you miss your pills, holding on to a memory and time traveling into sleep. The illuminations. The feelings your friends don't and will never understand. The escape. The inspiration. The turmoil. Even though the line is about Scientology, I think of you now when I listen to "Famous Blue Raincoat" and he sings did you ever go clear?

+ Leonard Cohen-Lisbon 2009, Famous Blue Raincoat

Happy Pills

just waiting on a friend


// The Rolling Stones: Waiting On A Friend/live

You've know me for a long time.  When I see red, when I get angry to that level, its the start of an 80's cold war. Our mouths ready at a moments notice to unleash nuclear attacks. Who's going to push the button first? Who's going to negotiate a peace accord? How long will it take?  

// Morrissey: Hold On To Your Friends/live

We sleep in coffins.

In our rags of light

by Glorious®

Dear Frisk,

I had another one of my endless insomniac nights. I was lying on my living room floor with what seemed like a million magazines around me, trying to make some art happen. I was watching the "Live in London" DVD (I've been obsessed with "If it be your will" lately) and thought of you. So I'm mailing you a little something because I was thinking of you. Lets write a poem together one day soon.

remixing your heart one song at a time

In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Day and night, night and day
I'm not stopping
I'm still in your blood
(and I) don't want your contemporary anatomy
(because)You are just Like an avalanche
And if you don't love me, would you please pretend?
(because) I look so alone I get obvious
When one is lonely the days are long
Still my heart beats so slow

P.S. I Love Leonard Cohen

+ A Love Letter From Leonard Cohen

But now you've got the gist Of what my letters meant.


Dear xxxxxx,
There is a letter I can't write.
There is a letter you will never get.
It's unnecessary because we both know what it would say.
It has been years but we both want to read it anyways.
I know you want to write it. I know you think about it.
I know you too well. I'll stop saying that when you prove me wrong

+ "You press them to your lips, My pages of concern."

The lines of self-defense.
The wounded forms appear:
The loss, the full extent;
And simple kindness here,
The solitude of strength.

+ Leonard Cohen - lover lover lover/live (1975)

He said, I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial.
You can use it for a weapon,
Or to make some woman smile.

+ R.E.M. - E-Bow The Letter

My loss, and here we go again


Lonely Sunday Chronicles [5]

Dear [C],

This is it, by this time next week I’ll be there. It has been a tiresome week thus this is short. Sleep beckons.

Of possible interest to you…
+ KORG DS-10: video of four DS units playing KORG
+ The Nintendo DS is your instrument: the Korg DS-10

// Being a Sunday.Night.mixed.media.mix about my week that was

// Priscilla Ahn: Dream (gorgeously live)

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

// The Hollies: Air That I Breathe
// R.E.M: I Will Try Not To Breathe
// Sia: Breathe Me (live) | Also used on this Prince of Persia Trailer
// "Mad World" Gears of War Trailer | "How It Ends" Gears of War 2 Trailer

Lonely Sunday Chronicles [4]

Dear [C],

While reorganizing things here at the fortress of solitude, I ran into a book that reminded me of you.


I bought The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Vol. 2 with you when we were on our way to a concert (either Deathcab for Cutie or Spoon). It may have been the first time I ever took you to Austin Books. In any case, I bought the book because I had gifted away the actual issues and never bought the last one. Turns out that I have yet to remove the shrink-wrap on this book and still don’t know how the story ends.

Finding Volume 2 reminded me of November of last year when the highly anticipated follow up, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Black Dossier was released. I was on one of my business trips when it came out. The weather was absolutely crummy and all day long I had talked myself out of going into the city to go buy it. But as the night came on and I sat bored on a boat on the Upper New York Bay, I decided, “Fuck It, I’m going to Midtown Comics Times Square to get this book”.

Well, that turned out to be a misadventure. I had never been to that store, sort of knew where it was and went for it on instinct. I hadn’t really thought about it but I had never been to Times Square at night. I remember coming up the stairs and noticing how it looked like daytime down the street. Anyways, I went to the store, checked it out, got my book, stood in a long line (I’ve never seen a comic book store as busy as this one) and off I went. I was starving but nothing around me got my attention so I decided I would eat when I went back to work where I had some leftovers from Lunch.

When I walked out of the store, my sense of direction became confused and I took the subway going uptown instead of going down to the ferry station. It took me a few stops to notice and I was way the hell away from where I should have been. Ok, I get on the right subway, and off the ferry station I go. By the time I get there I missed it by a few minutes and had to wait twenty minutes or whatever for the next one to arrive. I was starving and you know how cranky I get when I’m hungry.

I get to Staten Island and take the same train I always take back to work. What I did not notice, when I was rushing to make the train, was that they had switched scheduled, or train entrances or whatever, and the damn train ended up zipping right by my stop, and kept going and going to who the fuck cares in way inside Staten Island. I didn’t feel so bad when the people around me were voicing their concerns about the train not stopping as expected. One old lady was really freaking out when she would notice the stop names we were passing by. And by freaking out I mean she was really scared. Another lady told her where she thought we were going to end up and that it wouldn’t be long. What fucking ever, it took forever for that train to stop and I was kicking myself for not having had a hot dog or something in the city in addition to being concerned about where we would end up based on the anxiety of the locals.

Sure enough, the train stops at a station I would describe as dark and dangerous looking. It looked like Jack the Ripper could jump out of any corner and go on a killing spree and here I was watching over a worried old lady. Thankfully the other lady on the platform with us was one tough cookie and had no fear and was nice enough to keep the old lady reassured that everything would be fine and that the right train way would arrive soon enough. Twenty minutes in the cold, rainy weather waiting and waiting until it finally arrived. It took forever to get to my stop, where I had a nice little walk ahead of me in oh so wonderful fucking freezing weather. By the time I got back to the boat I was ready to either throw the book to the ocean or eat it.

Sure, when I was cold and walking and hungry and pissed off, I was thinking about how I had made one bad decision after another that night. But in the end I knew that I would always recall this night fondly every time I looked at the book regardless of the misadventures. So, that’s what I think about when I look at these two books on my bookshelf.

The Kills covering the VU's "I'm Set Free"

Dido: Look No Further

but Among Your Books
Among your clothes
Among the noise and fuss

I've let it go

Being Quotes of the week

In regards to Halloween costumes: "I want an uber-smart, gun suit totting, slutty, flawed and sarcastic bad ass chick, but wishes, horses, all that" - D.

"All I can confirm is that I will be drunk and wearing a catsuit." - B.

"I lived in NYC a short time. Never really got the Brooklyn vibe. Probably because my ex-girlfriend lived there, and she's more dangerous than any Blood..." [via]

Lonely Sunday Chronicles [3]

Dear [C],

Bar at the top of a hotel, notwithstanding, I’ve been serene in the face of intense conversations this week. 

In addition to downloading the already mentioned “Another Way To Die” for Guitar Hero when it comes out, next time you are here you’ll get to hear me belt out R.E.M.’s "Supernatural Superserious". Of the announced songs, the others I want are: Jimi Hendrix “If 6 Was 9” and Smashing Pumpkins “1979”.

Also upon your return, I’m going to make you watch the first episode of “Mad Men”.

Like I mentioned, The Backyard has closed. Damn shame. One of my favorite concerts there was the Tori Amos one we went to. Here’s the set list, for old time’s sake.

I got a game today that I think you would like, or at least you would watch me play and giggle at it while I played it. It’s called “Little Big Planet”.

My favorite song of the week: “Stop” by Ryan Adams & The Cardinals.

My favorite quote of the week: "There's just no denying it... I make a mean latte" – My graphic novel padwan Liz.

Lonely Sunday Chronicles [2]

Dear [C],


So there’s the complete stack of new arrivals that I couldn’t show you on ichat. In preparation for the Ghost World book to arrive I watched the movie again and was struck by all the product placement. For an indie movie, it sure had a lot. What the hell happened to Thora Birch anyways?

You may be wondering, what the hell is “SilverHawks”? You were like 2 years old when I was watching this cartoon. While not part of the holy trinity (G.I. Joe, He-Man, Thundercats) if I had to pick a fourth favorite, this show would be it. If I had to round up a fifth one it would be “M.A.S.K.” I had chihuahua named Dusty because of a character on M.A.S.K. In my opinion, The Silverhawks theme would make a wicked Guitar Hero track.  In fact, I would buy a a whole pack of the best of the 80's cartoon themes to play on Guitar Hero World Tour (out next weekend!). Speaking of 80's cartoons you don't remember, before 90210 was a though in Darren Star's head, there was a little something called Beverly Hills Teens.

I got the Kubrick book just for this chapter:


When I was 12 I was really intrigued by Stephen King’s The Dark Tower. I got the first book from the library but couldn’t stick to it. Little did I know that if I waited long enough it would become a series of comic books that I choose to wait and read when collected. My memory is such that I recall “Clear and Present Danger” being one of the books in the vicinity of the Dark Tower (whichever volume was out at the time) that peaked my interest. It was a large tome and there was no way I was going to even check it out. I had X-men and Spider-Man comics to read! It all worked out though, Harrison Ford movie and all. By the way these are all memories of the library near your brother’s house.

Today I watched the American Version of "My Sassy Girl". It had a small amount of charm but it just doesn't even start to compare with the original (mainly because there is only one Jeon Ji hyun, and I accept no substitues). Did I ever watch it with you? I don't think I was ever able to convince you into watching a Korean Romantic Comedy. I'm going to give you the American Version. Story wise it hit most of the right notes. This is funny: the Korean Trailer with the audio of the American trailer.

Last month, A&J sent me gifts that they had gotten me in Japan. One of them was these awesome banana wafer cookies. They were incredible. Big but super thin, with the Japanese cartoon they were about neatly represented on the wafer and delicious. I ate the whole can in a night, I could not help myself. Anyways, I saved one of the wrappers and put it in this collage: 


To continue the Japanese theme and since this album reminds me of my last trip to your town:

+ Coldplay "Lovers In Japan" Live At The BBC

Missing you Deeply,


Lonely Sunday Chronicles [1]

Dear [C],

I’m writing these letters to document the space between now and the next time I will see you.

Today I watched the episode of “Skins” where Cassie goes to New York City. I watched it for the shots of NYC and because I love Cassie (R. said "she had you at the white Lolita glasses"). All those times you heard me say “I like them crazy”, well if you saw the whole series I could point to Cassie as an example of the right kind of crazy I was speaking of.

The updated wall since your last visit:


Most Sunday mornings I dearly miss brunch with A&J. Today I got a text from a. that she was going to have brunch with them. I was so envious.

I tried to play this Wii game called DeBlob and it literally made me absolutely nauseous. I've never gotten sick because of a video game. It was weird. I moved on to Rock Band 2 and when I got to Pearl Jam’s “Alive” I could not help but think of how much you would love play that.



In case you wondered where I stand in regards to Here, Her and Heart matters, here you go:

“Since there is always the likelihood that where you aren’t is more fun than where you are.”
- Jay McInerney

Can’t you see I’m losing it
Must I set up the scene

The Ghost of You Lingers, Spoon

“Please remember that this is a human condition”

+ Skins: Cassie in New York (Season 2 episode 9)
+ Skins- Behind the scene Cassie eposide New york filming
+ Series 2 - Episode 9 "Cassie" - Final Sequence with Alternative Song**
** Does anyone know the name of the song that plays at the end?)

50 % heart, 50 % Ache

this poisoned truth.

Dear []

These are the things I can’t tell you. I wish I inspired you. You inspire me. It’s hard for me to say goodbye to you because I could talk to you forever. I can't tell you which song is about which girl. Who’s the better muse? Who’s the one that matters the most? Who’s the one I'll detest 'till the end. 

// Rain on Me - Cyndi Lauper

And taken by light in her arms at long and dear last
I may without fail
Suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars.
Dyland Thomas

Let's break the walls down And find how to live 'Cause you and I have So much to give


Dear You,

I am getting nowhere with you.

where are you tonight, And how’d we get here?

I’ve been chasing ghosts and I don’t like it

Could I be possibly insane To think you and I have life figured out?

If you try the best you can, The best you can is good enough

The crumbs of love that you offer me, They're the crumbs I've left behind.

I'm in a garden of remembering your fingers in my hand, were like a book made of sand

Just when you feel it
You don't
It's gone forever

Finally it all makes sense
I could keep this all from you

Go away, go away
And leave me on my own


Dear John, I'm leaving behind an ipod

That's what she said... by ~Wacia

Dear You,

I'm leaving. Inside your favorite book I have left an Ipod with a mix of songs that remind me of you. All your drama and mystery. Your story-like, or cinematic sense about Love. I based it only on songs, musicians and albums I know you're connected to. Why is it that sometimes you meet someone when it is the right time for you but not the right time for them? And then it becomes the wrong time for both of you. You may then have to find reasons to be disillusioned, piece by piece, in small bites, when you are really being amazed, every time you see them, by leaps and bounds. I also included a few other playlists, these are my maps of you.

> U2 - Original Of The Species
> The Velvet Underground - Femme Fatale
> The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
> Leonard Cohen - The Future
> John Cale - Dying On The Vine
> Tori Amos - Cloud On My Tongue
> Regina Spektor - Real Love
> Eisley - If You're Wondering
> Fiona Apple - Never Is A Promise
> Teddy Thompson - Tonight Will Be Fine

.a catalog of increasing disasters.

letters by ~breakfast

+ Like I Do | Minipop
+ The Letters | Leonard Cohen

Dear xxx,
Your letter was too short. You asked: "How goes your obsession?" My answer: Which one?
: I refuse to give up a love which I believe is good. I believe it's
good because it's not linear, just an obsession; but calm, rich,
and many-angled.[ Kathy Acker ] 

can't ever be by *missbecca
[ I'm Actual (Demo) | The Format ]
+ My Body Is A Cage (live) | Arcade Fire

Dear xxxx,

My hotel room felt like an accident. Hours of being there culminated in an discharge of several letters that were long overdue. But yours never reached you. Don't worry, you only missed a few delineated romances, complaints about culture and miniature compliments to make you smile.

"A tale without love is like beef without mustard--insipid" [Anatole France]

marcio simnch
[ Love is Here | Starsailor ] You can't love what you have not
+ Country Feedback (live) | R.E.M: It’s crazy what you could’ve had

Dear xxxxx,

What I miss the most are your accounts of saturnalia dreams. Maybe even your capricious chasm and your delicate expectations of me. I am bound to ignore the expiration date on our friendship. Eventually. The anticipation could almost be called delight. Am I your subject or your object? I squint to tell the difference.

: I have to erase you out of my life so I can keep on living.
no matter how passionate no matter how perfect no matter
how deep love, it fades and there's nothing. I won't stand for it. [ Kathy Acker ]

"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away" [Dorothy Parker] 

Kissing Lips Mosaic

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, 'I am with you kid. Let's go.'" [ Maya Angelou ]

+ 'Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart' Video | Rufus Wainwright

P.S. thank you for hearing me

unsent letter

no more kisses by ~apflee

[ Sara Bareilles - Gravity ]

Dear xxxxxxy,

I felt sick at first but I was actually waking up from numbness. It was your existence, it made my guts hurt ( and I need that, I suppose. ) I’ll stop painting a new coat on the rancor in my heart when you stop lying your heart out. Only then will we recall our past and sing it like a karaoke song. I’m your most important footnote, that song you keep listening to over and over. And the ugly irony is that we miss our insanity, it was a pure blissful tension. This is how I came to realize that I need you, in some shape or form.

Dear Dominique


What the hell were you thinking? You were born to play Dolores Haze then for the longest time I had to refer to you as "Travolta's daughter in Face/Off". Years of absolutely lameness and then I miss this movie. Well, let's hope that years in the making movie with Thora Birch, Jena Malone and Marla Sokoloff gets you back on track. Also, ask Nick Cassavetes if he can get you into Iron Man. Tony Stark needs a cute secretary.

Dear You...

You are getting sleepy.
You want you to come over and sing "Nice Dream" with me.
We shall dance around in our underwear.
You will Watch "Red" with me while we drink red wine and only speak French.
You will bring me Sushi and comic books.