I ache in the places where I used to play And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on Leonard Cohen
You asked me how I was doing. I'm quite certain I am tired of that question. It feels like an insult. I don't know where I'm going or how to get there in a hurry. Feeling exiled from the life I used to have.
You asked me to annotate my playlist...
And when you're out there, without care Yeah, I was out of touch But it wasn't because I didn't know enough I just knew too much /// Ray Lamontagne [ Crazy ]
This reminds me of my hermit ways. I'm over going out. Nothing out there interest me. A reminder that sometimes I feel incongruent towards her.
Dear xxxx, I know you miss your pills, holding on to a memory and time traveling into sleep. The illuminations. The feelings your friends don't and will never understand. The escape. The inspiration. The turmoil. Even though the line is about Scientology, I think of you now when I listen to "Famous Blue Raincoat" and he sings did you ever go clear?
You've know me for a long time. When I see red, when I get angry to that level, its the start of an 80's cold war. Our mouths ready at a moments notice to unleash nuclear attacks. Who's going to push the button first? Who's going to negotiate a peace accord? How long will it take?
I had another one of my endless insomniac nights. I was lying on my living room floor with what seemed like a million magazines around me, trying to make some art happen. I was watching the "Live in London" DVD (I've been obsessed with "If it be your will" lately) and thought of you. So I'm mailing you a little something because I was thinking of you. Lets write a poem together one day soon.
Dear xxxxxx, There is a letter I can't write. There is a letter you will never get. It's unnecessary because we both know what it would say. It has been years but we both want to read it anyways. I know you want to write it. I know you think about it. I know you too well. I'll stop saying that when you prove me wrong.
While reorganizing things here at the fortress of solitude, I
ran into a book that reminded me of you.
I bought The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Vol. 2 with
you when we were on our way to a concert (either Deathcab for Cutie or
Spoon). It may have been the first time
I ever took you to Austin Books. In any
case, I bought the book because I had gifted away the actual issues and never
bought the last one. Turns out that I
have yet to remove the shrink-wrap on this book and still don’t know how the
Finding Volume 2 reminded me of November of last year when
the highly anticipated follow up, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Black Dossier
was released. I was on one of my business
trips when it came out. The weather was absolutely crummy and all day long I
had talked myself out of going into the city to go buy it. But as the night
came on and I sat bored on a boat on the Upper New York Bay, I decided, “Fuck
It, I’m going to Midtown Comics Times Square to get this book”.
Well, that turned out to be a misadventure. I had never been
to that store, sort of knew where it was and went for it on instinct. I hadn’t
really thought about it but I had never been to Times Square at night. I
remember coming up the stairs and noticing how it looked like daytime down the
street. Anyways, I went to the store, checked it out, got my book, stood in a
long line (I’ve never seen a comic book store as busy as this one) and off I
went. I was starving but nothing around me got my attention so I decided I
would eat when I went back to work where I had some leftovers from Lunch.
When I walked out of the store, my sense of direction became confused and I
took the subway going uptown instead of going down to the ferry station. It
took me a few stops to notice and I was way the hell away from where I should
have been. Ok, I get on the right subway, and off the ferry station I go. By
the time I get there I missed it by a few minutes and had to wait twenty
minutes or whatever for the next one to arrive. I was starving and you know how
cranky I get when I’m hungry.
I get to Staten Island and take the same train I always take back to work. What
I did not notice, when I was rushing to make the train, was that they had
switched scheduled, or train entrances or whatever, and the damn train ended up
zipping right by my stop, and kept going and going to who the fuck cares in way
inside Staten Island. I didn’t feel so bad when the people around me were
voicing their concerns about the train not stopping as expected. One old lady
was really freaking out when she would notice the stop names we were passing
by. And by freaking out I mean she was really scared. Another lady told her
where she thought we were going to end up and that it wouldn’t be long. What
fucking ever, it took forever for that train to stop and I was kicking myself
for not having had a hot dog or something in the city in addition to being
concerned about where we would end up based on the anxiety of the locals.
Sure enough, the train stops at a station I would describe
as dark and dangerous looking. It looked like Jack the Ripper could jump out of
any corner and go on a killing spree and here I was watching over a worried old
lady. Thankfully the other lady on the platform with us was one tough cookie
and had no fear and was nice enough to keep the old lady reassured that everything
would be fine and that the right train way would arrive soon enough. Twenty minutes in
the cold, rainy weather waiting and waiting until it finally arrived. It took
forever to get to my stop, where I had a nice little walk ahead of me in oh so
wonderful fucking freezing weather. By the time I got back to the boat I was
ready to either throw the book to the ocean or eat it.
Sure, when I was cold and walking and hungry and pissed off, I was thinking
about how I had made one bad decision after another that night. But in the end
I knew that I would always recall this night fondly every time I looked at the
book regardless of the misadventures. So, that’s what I think about when I look at
these two books on my bookshelf.
Bar at the top of a hotel, notwithstanding, I’ve been serene
in the face of intense conversations this week.
In addition to downloading the already mentioned “Another Way To Die” for
Guitar Hero when it comes out, next time you are here you’ll get to hear me
belt out R.E.M.’s "Supernatural Superserious". Of the announced
songs, the others I want are: Jimi Hendrix “If 6 Was 9” and Smashing Pumpkins “1979”.
Also upon your return, I’m going to make you watch the first
episode of “Mad Men”.
Like I mentioned, The Backyard has closed. Damn shame. One of my favorite concerts
there was the Tori Amos one we went to. Here’s the set list, for old time’s
I got a game today that I think you would like, or at least you would watch me
play and giggle at it while I played it. It’s called “Little Big Planet”.
So there’s the complete stack of new arrivals that I couldn’t
show you on ichat. In preparation for the Ghost World book to arrive I watched
the movie again and was struck by all the product placement. For an indie movie,
it sure had a lot. What the hell happened to Thora Birch anyways?
You may be wondering, what the hell is “SilverHawks”? You
were like 2 years old when I was watching this cartoon. While not part of the
holy trinity (G.I. Joe, He-Man, Thundercats) if I had to pick a fourth favorite, this show would be it. If I had to round up a fifth one it would be “M.A.S.K.”
I had chihuahua named Dusty because of a character on M.A.S.K. In my opinion, The Silverhawks theme would make a wicked Guitar Hero track. In fact, I would buy a a whole pack of the best of the 80's cartoon themes to play on Guitar Hero World Tour (out next weekend!). Speaking of 80's cartoons you don't remember, before 90210 was a though in Darren Star's head, there was a little something called Beverly Hills Teens.
I got the Kubrick book just for this chapter:
When I was 12 I was really intrigued by Stephen King’s The
Dark Tower. I got the first book from the library but couldn’t stick to it. Little
did I know that if I waited long enough it would become a series of comic books
that I choose to wait and read when collected. My memory is such that I recall “Clear and
Present Danger” being one of the books in the vicinity of the Dark Tower
(whichever volume was out at the time) that peaked my interest. It was a large
tome and there was no way I was going to even check it out. I had X-men and
Spider-Man comics to read! It all worked out though, Harrison Ford movie and
all. By the way these are all memories of the library near your brother’s house.
Today I watched the American Version of "My Sassy Girl". It had a small amount of charm but it just doesn't even start to compare with the original (mainly because there is only one Jeon Ji hyun, and I accept no substitues). Did I ever watch it with you? I don't think I was ever able to convince you into watching a Korean Romantic Comedy. I'm going to give you the American Version. Story wise it hit most of the right notes. This is funny: the Korean Trailer with the audio of the American trailer.
Last month, A&J sent me gifts that they had gotten me in
Japan. One of them was these awesome banana wafer cookies. They were incredible.
Big but super thin, with the Japanese cartoon they were about neatly represented on the
wafer and delicious. I ate the whole can in a night, I could not help myself.
Anyways, I saved one of the wrappers and put it in this collage:
To continue the Japanese theme and since this album
reminds me of my last trip to your town:
I’m writing these letters to document the space between now and the next time I will see you.
Today I watched the episode of “Skins” where Cassie goes to New York City. I watched it for the shots of NYC and because I love Cassie (R. said "she had you at the white Lolita glasses"). All those times you heard me say “I like them crazy”, well if you saw the whole series I could point to Cassie as an example of the right kind of crazy I was speaking of.
The updated wall since your last visit:
Most Sunday mornings I dearly miss brunch with A&J.
Today I got a text from a. that she was going to have brunch with them. I was so
I tried to play this Wii game called DeBlob and it literally made me absolutely nauseous. I've never gotten sick because of a video game. It was weird. I moved on to Rock Band 2 and when I got to Pearl Jam’s “Alive” I could not help but think of how much you would love play that.
In case you wondered where I stand in regards to Here, Her
and Heart matters, here you go:
“Since there is always the likelihood that
where you aren’t is more fun than where you are.”
- Jay McInerney
These are the things I can’t tell you. I wish I inspired
you. You inspire me. It’s hard for me
to say goodbye to you because I
could talk to you forever. I can't tell you which song is about which
girl. Who’s the better muse? Who’s the one that matters the most? Who’s the one I'll
detest 'till the end.
I'm leaving. Inside your favorite book I have left an Ipod with a mix of songs that remind me of you. All your drama and mystery. Your story-like, or cinematic sense about Love. I based it only on songs, musicians and albums I know you're connected to. Why is it that sometimes you meet someone when it is the
right time for you but not the right time for them? And then it becomes
the wrong time for both of you. You may then have to find reasons to be
disillusioned, piece by piece, in small bites, when you are really
being amazed, every time you see them, by leaps and bounds. I also included a few other playlists, these are my maps of you.
Dear xxx, Your letter was too short. You asked: "How goes your obsession?" My answer: Which one? : I refuse to give up a love which I believe is good. I believe it's good because it's not linear, just an obsession; but calm, rich, and many-angled.[ Kathy Acker ]
My hotel room felt like an accident. Hours of being there culminated in an discharge of several letters that were long overdue. But yours never reached you. Don't worry, you only missed a few delineated romances, complaints about culture and miniature compliments to make you smile.
"A tale without love is like beef without mustard--insipid" [Anatole France]
What I miss the most are your accounts of saturnalia dreams. Maybe even your capricious chasm and your delicate expectations of me. I am bound to ignore the expiration date on our friendship. Eventually. The anticipation could almost be called delight. Am I your subject or your object? I squint to tell the difference.
: I have to erase you out of my life so I can keep on living. no matter how passionate no matter how perfect no matter how deep love, it fades and there's nothing. I won't stand for it. [ Kathy Acker ]
"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away" [Dorothy Parker]
I felt sick at first but I was actually waking up from numbness. It
was your existence, it made my guts hurt ( and I need that, I suppose.
) I’ll stop painting a new coat on the rancor in my heart when you stop
lying your heart out. Only then will we recall our past and sing it
like a karaoke song. I’m your most important footnote, that song you
keep listening to over and over. And the ugly irony is that we miss our
insanity, it was a pure blissful tension. This is how I came to realize
that I need you, in some shape or form.
What the hell were you thinking? You were born to play Dolores Haze then for the longest time I had to refer to you as "Travolta's daughter in Face/Off". Years of absolutely lameness and then I miss this movie. Well, let's hope that years in the making movie with Thora Birch, Jena Malone and Marla Sokoloff gets you back on track. Also, ask Nick Cassavetes if he can get you into Iron Man. Tony Stark needs a cute secretary.
You are getting sleepy.
You want you to come over and sing "Nice Dream" with me.
We shall dance around in our underwear.
You will Watch "Red" with me while we drink red wine and only speak French.
You will bring me Sushi and comic books.