“My heart is beating like it’s lonely, like there’s nothing else inside of me.”
Junot Díaz, 'This Is How You Lose Her'
"Its easy to know what you want to say, but not to say it."
Mario Vargas Llosa
"Se escribe para llenar vacíos, para tomarse desquites contra la realidad, contra las circunstancias"
Mario Vargas Llosa
inspiration is coming at five ideas a second and seven songs a minute.
My computer can't keep up. My browsers have fatigue. So many open tabs.
I've hacked my brain
and created a sort of momentary synthetic hypomania. That's in addition
to the obscene amount of Red Bull in my system, probably enough for a heart attack. I have to ride the wave
as quickly as I can before it washes away. The posts have been
multiplying like little Gremlins
today1. I'm going to finish this
which I've been writing for a while in my head ( which means the better
more graceful parts are probably gone b/c I didn't write them down ). I
actually wrote something along these lines, a long text post, between
May and August, in small parts, but it never looked good once I was
sober so I eventually deleted it. I kept thinking I could salvage parts
of it until I gave up. I woke up on the I don't give a fuck side of the bed today.There's
some sort of filter that comes off during my curent state. Everything
I've tried rebooting myself so many times and it just doesn't work. "what I am is what I am, cause I does what I does" as Fiona Apple said. I'm not on some quest to find myself. I'm just stuck with who I am and annoyed with what I can't change. Irritated and full of Regret. I know who I am: a thematic tome of unrelenting desire and failed romances. I'm very hard on myself.
Sometimes I find it offensive that I need anti-depressants to live. As if there's a sort of Natural Law that says we should all be Happy that does not apply to me and chemistry has to keep me breathing. A synthetic existance. Mostly it leaves me bored, with hints of quiet desperation.
There is currently no girl, no woman, no Romantic Interest. Only Lustful daydreams of a mistress. I'm a blank canvass with a drip of red pain falling halfway down the middle. And this painting is stuck on a wall.
I don't pray hard enough for amnesia. I don't pray at all. Maybe that's why it hasn't happened.
I was telling the most Lolita girl I know how much I wish I had a photogenic female friend in this city to take my own photos for posts on here. All my girls, they get married. All the nymphets are now older and having babies.
Andy is right. I don't want what I can't have anymore. This is a much practical stance.
Well, I'm off to write my first short story in years. It's called "The sexual frustrations of a man without a serial number"
1 written between 9.20 and 9.22
*Nishe / I love you / p0und-the-al4rm /wild hearts / I was blank / i am who i am