Achtung Baby!

the treatment of my misery

Dylan LeBlanc: [ Part One - The End ]

“…I see nothing for the treatment of my misery but the melancholy and very local palliative of articulate art.”
—LOLITA

My birthday is coming up tomorrow. I'm tired of getting older.

White Stripes: [ I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself.live ]

 hello dearest friend , d00dlecake

an excruciating daily effort

“I often find myself wishing that depression was a visible thing, like a terrible rash, a wound or a swollen limb. Something you could point to and say "See? *That's* what's going on with me. I am hurting." Something that would cause your loved ones to wince in empathy at the realness of it, rather than have everybody walking on eggshells wondering if today would be a Good day or a Bad day.

Depression is invisible. It's embarrassing. It's something that's extremely difficult to talk about, especially when you most *need* to talk. It makes you sound like a broken record, and then you become afraid to speak anymore.

You feel like you're poisoning everyone around you with the black, toxic ink of negativity that's filling every cell in your body. Standing up and walking to the bathroom takes effort - forget doing laundry, making food, answering questions or smiling. Forget being a functioning member of society. Forget enjoying the "little things" in life. When you're deep in a low period, your aspirations evaporate as if they were never there. It's like every good thing you ever built your life on has suddenly been revealed as being a lie or a waste; you feel cheated - but more than that, you feel too paralysed to do anything remotely constructive.

Depression is like drowning in thick tar, and as I said, the worst part is how shameful and humiliating it is. You sense people thinking "I wish they'd just get over it!" (as some people actually say, out loud). You feel that if you could summon the courage to say how bad things really are for you, you'll be dismissed or laughed at. You worry that you'll drag other people down with you. No matter how hard you try - to be cheerful, to be consistent, to be healthy, to seek therapy, to reach out to others, to be happy - it never seems like enough. Life is an excrutiating daily effort to keep clawing out of that deep hole, hand over hand. The slightest trauma can undo months of work.

This is my experience, at least. Everyone's is different. But the thought I keep coming back to is that if this were a visible disorder, people would find it easier - both to endure it and to help someone recover from it. It would be easier to know what to do. People would feel less helpless and in the dark about it.

The greatest benefit of all would be the satisfaction of watching the wound healing, until there was barely a scar left behind."

+ Comment on: Michael Angelakos, Passion Pit Singer, Talks Bipolar Disorder

Loneliness is such a sad affair

 poppypanache 

I've been in every black hole , Counting down till the pain will stop

you can kind of let yourself die

I would never kill myself, but you can kind of let yourself die.
Fiona Apple

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds: [ LAY ME LOW.live ]

remnants of joy and disaster

SADE: [ King Of Sorrow.live ]

 Naked on Sigmund Freud’s Couch 

groaning city

Life is such that I will not be able to attend a friend's wedding in New York. NYC, the only place in the world I never feel depressed at.

+ The Eagles: New York Minute.live

braver than Loneliness

 sullen & sullied 

weight of unhappiness

   

The absence of sleep leads to thinking about the absence of love. My body aches loud enough to make me forget how lonely it is here. All I hear is the line "my brain says I'm receiving pain" from "My Iron Lung". I need distractions.

so tired-unhappy

I can't think of a song that better captures my feelings lately. I wish it was my final fit but I presume there will be many ahead. 

jail within jail within jail

Emm Grynner: 89 Days In Alcatraz

I hope there's some relief writing
this you: otherwise, none. I've never felt such pain.
Day after day pain after pain how do
I count these days? It's pain to count.
Pain to have a mind.
Worst: at the moment when sleep's ease should come,
( no coming, no you. ) and thoughts are loosened,
but i don't want these thoughts.
I phone: I don't like life.
So stopping the mind up, no
life no utterance, jail within jail within
jail, what can days dates
time matter? Only this ease
of verbally sobbing out ugliness.

Kathy Acker, Time is made by humans

everything you think you had is gone

Garbage: It's All Over But The Crying (Remix)

the pain lingers on

I have been alone for a very long time. I'm locked up in a room and I can't get out. Because I've been locked up in this room so long whatever desires are arising in me are rampaging around everywhere as wild and fierce and monstrous as gigantic starving jungle beasts. I don't know how to talk to people, I especially have difficulty talking to you; and I'm ashamed and scared 'cause I want you so badly, Dimwit.
Blood and Guts in High School

My true place in the world, it turned out was somewhere beyond myself, and if that place was inside me, it was also unlocatable. This was the tiny hole between self and not-self, and for the first time in my life I saw this nowhere as the exact center of the world. 
The Locked Room

 

I could fall under the eyes of anyone But you now

Counting Crows: Cowboys

 quoteskine  

once in a while I can fake a smile

Jeff Litman: Time Heals Nothing

 Killing Loneliness 

unpredictable approach

If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.
ANTONIN ARTAUD

David Bowie: Rock 'n' Roll Suicide

unhappy memories

Eisley: Memories.live

+ Album Stream: Eisley - Deep Space

 Cameron Dokey, Belle 

I should be good But I fell apart

Eurythmics: I've Tried Everything

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

+ Macphisto's "Help" Intro

I've wondered what the visual to this looked like since 1993 and randomly found it today.

the background of your entire life

" When I speak of depression," he says carefully, "I speak of a clinical depression that is the background of your entire life, a background of anguish and anxiety, a sense that nothing goes well, that pleasure is unavailable and all your strategies collapse..."

Leonard Cohen: 'All I've got to put in a song is my own experience'  

being there

 sullen & sullied 

Infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse

"Lonely? Maybe or maybe not It all depends Your ideal, your image Your definition of a friend"

Afghan Whigs: What Jail Is Like.live

I balance on a wishing well

    I lean from my window sill in this old hotel I chose,
    yes one hand on my suicide, one hand on the rose.
    I know you’ve heard it’s over now

    Leonard Cohen

When you're sad and when you're lonely

This flower is scorched

 

R.E.M.: [ Country Feedback.live ]

every second I spend waiting drags me closer to this grave

Tegan and Sara: [ Don't Confess (This Thing That Breaks My Heart) ]

A small piece, an ism

TRICKY: [ Makes Me Wanna Die.Acoustic ]

 

wasted unconditional love

When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

FIONA APPLE: [ OH WELL ]

I got a prayer for the girl

So if you're down on your luck, and you can't harmonize,
Find a girl with far-away eyes.
And if you're downright disgusted , and life ain't worth a dang,
Get a girl with far-away eyes.

+ Rolling Stones: Far Away Eyes.live

 ModernCitizen's Photos  

Darling, what can I do?

+ KD Lang: "Crying"

 (c)Marina Pijamkina 

I wish someone would show me where to draw the line

Rufus Wainwright: [ Dying On The Vine.live ]

+ John Cale's Original

 Signe Vilstrup 

In my bed, in my head Every word U've spoken

PRINCE: Empty Room | live.video

who dares to ration our relief?

You are outside life, you are above life, you have miseries which the ordinary man does not know, you exceed the normal level, and it is for this that men refuse to forgive you, you poison their peace of mind, you undermine their stability. You have irrepressible pains whose essence is to be inadaptable to any known state, indescribable in words. You have repeated and shifting pains, incurable pains, pains beyond imagining, pains which are neither of the body nor of the soul, but which partake of both. And I share your suffering, and I ask you: who dares to ration our relief? We are not going to kill ourselves just yet. In the meantime, leave us the hell alone.

Antonin Artaud

[ Starsailor: It Hurts Too Much ]

 Untitled By OhhhLordy.NSFW 

.alone.

My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke that caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I spent alone.
Leonard Cohen

 

 By juiceboxgasoline 

is touching my soul

+ Jeff Beck and Seal: Manic Depression

 Hendrix by Moebius 

Love has got to be with the weak/Only then love gets a chance to speak

[ U2: MERCY ]

I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign

"I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?"

+ [ The Police: King of Pain.live2007 ]

you can tell me it's over

Tori Amos: [ Doughnut Song ]

toni meisel  

People Cry

Chris Isaak: [ You Don't Cry Like I Do ]

 

 Going the Distance 

I can't conceal what I feel

Depeche Mode: [ A Pain That I'm Used To.Live ]

 

 Quote Book 

There is no pain you are receding

Dar Williams + Ani DiFranco: [ Comfortably Numb ]

 

My brain says I'm receiving Pain

+ Radiohead.MY IRON LUNG.live

Nick Cave: [ The Big Hurt ]

 

 Never ending Thoughts 

Spirit so low I no longer pretend

+ "You look so tired, unhappy"

+ "So why so sad, you live and love"

sorrow found me when I was young

 decorationday 

Loneliness be Over

+ Voxtrot - Ghost

+ Muse - Map Of The Problematique

 held in a trance 

[ S a D ]

Marvin Gaye: Sad Tomorrows (original single version)

 

 control 

..there is one thing we all have...

[ Clint Mansell/Kronos Quartet: Hope Overture ]

+ James: Tomorrow.live

 Green Lantern #56 

I am a man whose dreams have all deserted

 
// Herbie Hancock + Pink + John Legend: Don't Give Up

+ Leonard Cohen: First We Take Manhattan (Alternate Version)

Where are you Anne Marie F. , I miss you.....

sometimes this opposition, comes rising up in me

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy: I see a Darkness

 

 1,2,3

You can crush it but it's always here

[ Radiohead: Planet Telex.live ]

 federleicht